In 2015 I started doing a job I loved. It was the first job I'd ever done that actually felt like me, that I felt interested in and was genuinely good at.
I was running my own Hypnobirthing company, it was expanding and we were teaching classes across Kent, I took on more teachers to work along side me and expand. We had (and still have - I just don't run the company anymore) a brilliant online presence. I loved the in-person stuff as well as the business geekery. It felt like a pretty good fit.
But it also felt, for me, like a lot of hustle. And despite what you may think. I'm actually someone who loves a good sit. I love the ease. I like things to come naturally. The constant push on something that doesn't feel like it's flowing is not enjoyable for me.
I came to realise that in Hypnobirthing I had found my zone of expertise, but not my zone of genius.
As much as I loved it, and I really did love it. I loved working with couples to help them navigate that transformative day (or days if you're like me, hello 72 hour labour!).
I loved giving them tools that would help them to deal with any challenges should they arise, and introducing women to how absolutely marvellous and amazing their bodies are. I loved seeing them carry that into motherhood.
But I was also passionate about what lay beyond that. About seeing women find their space, helping them to navigate the loss of identity so many of us feel. The who am I now as an actual human being rather than a vessel for a child/feeding machine/wiper of all snot/changer of nappies/diplomat of sibling fights/participant in imaginative play/general doer of all things.
Working with pregnant women I saw them at their most vulnerable and also their most powerful. I learnt to appreciate the power in all of those things, both in myself and in others.
I could see so clearly how utterly wrong the culture around us is approaching so much when it comes to women. We are constantly forced to fit into a space, a role, an expectation that just doesn’t work for us. A linear, male model that was not made with us in mind and forces us to deny huge parts of who we are (I don’t think this model works for men either by that way, but that’s a whole other post).
As Mary Beard has said “You can’t easily fit women into a structure that is already coded as male, you have to change the structure”.
And from thoughts like these, a whole other idea was born. What if I could start a Facebook group for mums to find not just their balance, but their identity, their space, their purpose.
It felt like a lofty idea. And I got all of the feelings about it - who am I to help women do that? what do I know? just because it worked for me?
But everywhere I went, every Mother I spoke to I was struck by the feeling that this could work for them. I heard the words they spoke about themselves. The “I could nevers”, the “I have no times”, the “I barely know my own name anymores”, the “I would love to buts”. And I KNEW I had stuff that could make a difference.
So I did it. I leapt.
I started what turned out to be an amazing facebook group and I put it out there that if anyone wanted to, and the timing felt right for both of us I was available for more one to one work. And it happened. And I am grateful every day for that.
I have found my space, but you will never catch me selling you a model of how to be me. I will only ever offer you tools so find your own unique space. Tools to enable you to unravel the bullshit that has been put on you by the media, society, family, friends and the good old patriarchy.
I have found my ease and my sitting time. My work life balance is now utterly magical, and I did it by running with my idea and keeping at it.
I have launched things that have not sold, at all. I have offered things that have sold out overnight. Both brought up emotions that were unexpected and not always easy to navigate. From ‘oh god, I’m shit, what am I even doing?’ to ‘Oh god, this is happening so fast, what if I’m shit and I let them all down?’
I get it now. I let those feelings come and go and I KNOW that what happens outside of me is not me.
I going to get deep now.
Nothing, nothing can change who I am at my core. And I am an excellent human being, worthy of all that is available to me.
As are you.
What other people think, is their opinions, their taste, their stuff. What I think is what matters. And I know I’ve found my space.
And I’m pretty sure there are a few of you out there who can feel that about me too. Because you are my people. Not everyone will be my people and that’s ok. But who I am, what I think of myself has to be detached from that.
I’m not saying it’s not a process, it is. A DAILY process.
Turning up everyday, acknowledging my feelings, working through them, asking for help, believing in my worth and moving forward is what has got me to where I am, feeling like an utterly different person to the one who started out doing all of this running my own business stuff.